Glitz, Sophistication and Pre-Screened Jokes: World Cup Draw Lands in Washington D.C..

The listings for the prestigious venue in Washington highlights a lighthearted bilingual production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Notably absent from the public events is the upcoming global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Officials appear determined to keep out any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing procession where well-paid dignitaries will doubtlessly echo the tired cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

This glitzy ceremony is set to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum together with small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Together, they will preside over a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last nearly three long hours, the event will include a lengthy playlist of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, musical turns from acts with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Detail

Included in those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of personality possessed by these ageing sporting icons, barring an armed security team storming the event, it's difficult to envision what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was vague. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will play in the initial phase, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which comes before the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and special deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, speculation about the winner are widespread, though the clues are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-match winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited if/when changes occur down the line.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, requiring an encore?"